Crashlanding somewhere between heaven and hell

How can everything be so contradictory. 

This feeling...

This pain...

These doubts...

 This pleasure... 

But (unfortunately) I'm not the type to let go...even if I crash or burn. 

***

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie 

Once upon a time in a perfect nightmare

I know you're sorry, I know you regret. 

But there are things you can't erase, and things that can't be played down so easily. 

I will need time. So please be patient.

***

"I dreamed a dream. But then it all went wrong." 

Melancholia

                                                                                                                    Tseytlin Photography

You had so many opportunities to tell me the truth but you just kept adding one lie to another hoping I wouldn't see. How do you want me to live with that now? How do you want me to be okay?
I'm sorry to say but you're breaking me down.

***

People say trust takes years to build, only seconds to break and forever to repair. 

But what if I can't wait forever? 

Nightfall

It seems like I'm falling into the same trap over and over again. Just like a naive lil child I believe or rather hope that this one time the trap would be broken .
But this trap called love seems to cut deep into the flesh of your innocent heart, letting you feel the true meaning of agony.
At the end , what reminds us of our suffering is just the great amount of scars on our souls ; ...painful for us , invisible to others.

***

eveything comes to an end .....

Behind an angel's beauty

Angels,

the most beautiful creatures,

the most admired and envied too.

But once unveiled, you can perceive their suffering, their despair.

Behind their smile and cheerful appearance their soul keeps bleeding.

This eternal pain is the damnation for their irresistible perfection.

That's why angels always walk alone, tryin to hold on to all those passing clouds which, passing by too fast, don't realise this magnificent presence.

So they slide through ever changing skies, pushed forward by the wind of inconstancy.

Left behind remains that one beautiful angel.

As I already feared, my star has stopped shining, leaving behind nothing but broken pieces of an unfulfilled heart.

***

I honestly start thinking that I'm too nice and too kind for this world.

If you really don't want to suffer in this world of hypocrisy you have to forget about everything and hide behind a mask of indifference. Maybe it's time for me to start changing.

I have been nice for too long. But what if I can't let go this part of my personality?

Is there any world out there where I'll be able to live peacefully? A place just for me? I doubt it.

So maybe I should just flee from this present world, set my soul free and hope for a better life.

Fall has come and so will winter
during these melancholic seasons I awake,
chased by all those fears of loneliness.

If only I could tell ....
If only u would understand.

but once again i have to walk this dark path alone, trying to hold on to all those stars which slowly go out one by one.

Forbidden dream

I'm waiting for you every night to come and save me from this insanity.

I desire you more than anything else.

Your words are my leading path and your eyes are my guardian.

Please , take me to the darkest night, where even angels lose their shine.

There, let me feel your vicous desire. I'm craving to feel your touch , your lips.

Kiss my neck , take my breath ...and make me sleep eternally.

Betrayal

People say that our eyes are not able to see very small things... as well as very big ones.
To make it clear:
you are not able to distinguish an atom by only looking at it, neither can you behold the universe, because it's either too small or too big.

It's the same with our desires and wishes.
The things I asked of you were so much important to my eyes that you couldn't perceive them. That's why they appeared unimportant to you.

Nevertheless, you broke me down... being entirely conscient of what you were doing.
I will try to forgive .. but I will never forget.

Inner dialogue

Have you ever thought about your future? Your aims? the person you wanna share your life with ?

Everyone thinks about it.

So how do you picture ur future?

I got to realize that life isn't as easy as it seems. But I have plans. I know how I'd like my future to be.

And what about him? Did you consider his plans?

I don't know what he actually wants. We never really talked about it.

Right. How can you not talk about something that important? You should have thought about bringing that up, serioulsy! What if his plans are totally different from what you imagine? Would you give up your dreams for his desires?

Why are you talking about this now!? I still have enough time to decide! So stop confronting me with it , will you!?

.....well, this is exactly what you fear, right? Tell me, ..what if he asks you to give up your dreams.... .... will you give him up?

525600 minutes

wow havent been here for a long long time ..
anyway, holidays were great, went to see my dad in germany nd then my darlin in singapore. Already miss him so much, feels like I haven't seen him for years.. hm..
school is starting again tmr.. oh btw I passed my cambridge exam and got an A !! ^^ hope none of my classmates failed it .. tell me ur results, k ?


***


Remember, you asked me why I love you. The answer: there is no reason.
You're just exactly what I need... and you're the only one I ever want in my life.
My angel.

Distance

"La passion de ton amour intact

Fond la vitre qui sépare nos mains,

J'ai besoin de tes paroles, de ton sourire.

Pendant que les mondes courent à leur perte,

Laisse-moi t'aimer encore ici un moment."

(Hélène Sobell)

Results (first year)

Got my results this afternoon. =)

French literature (written): 8
French literature (oral) : 14
TPE + oral presentation : 14
Biology/Chemistry/Physics : 14
Maths/Informatics : 18

Got 34 points plus ^^
sooo happy

Feelings

24*04*08

...was the day I fell for you. =)

Just love you sooooooooo much darlin .

bisoussss

Exams are finally over. Had a lack of concentration today, but still hope I made it.
Besides, I was asked to explain an extract from a book I prayed not to be questioned abt.
But anyway, it's done...will know my results next week.

***

Shall I .......?

Questions

Why do I always tend to make things difficult?
Why do I always disappoint others?
Why am I always so selfish ?
Why do I always seek for destruction?
Why am I trying to find pain in everything that happens?

..............................................
............................
.............

.....Why do I always realize my mistakes when it's too late?

Lost

somewhere between dreams and reality

Someone asked me yesterday: "Why don't you start living in reality? You know that this is just a dream."

...yeah maybe, but this is my dream. This is what I chose two months ago and this is what I want.

***

I know this shouldn't upset me that much, but I can't help...

and just let me give you some advice: Get outta my way, girl!

***

Written exams are over, but I still have an oral exam to pass next week.

I'll get the results on the 9 th July (exams) ... nd on the 1st August (cambridge certificate).

rly hope that I did well .. =/

The night is over...

I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me.

You delivered me from my pain, and I'm truly grateful....

There are no words to describe how much I love and miss you.

So, I remain silent

and think of you, ...my angel.

***

"And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Wether I'm right or wrong"

"And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me"

"I'm loving angels instead"

Please,...

...don't ever hurt me again ...

Confessions..

"And I know that he

knows I'm unfaithful

And it kills him inside

To know that I am happy

with some other guy

I can see him dying"

Was thinking of the past today and I realised that I did you wrong. Although you will never see this, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry. You did so much for me, you were always there but I didn't care and cheated on you. I think I wasn't ready for a relationship , I was still too young and I just played with your heart. I always conjured up excuses not to meet you, though you were my boyfriend. Now that I'm looking back at all my mistakes I feel so bad because I know you really loved me. Es tut mir wirklich Leid.

I just hope you've got a fulfilled life now with your girlfriend and child.