Souvenirs du passé

Nightfall

2009-01-25T14:46:00.004+01:00

It seems like I'm falling into the same trap over and over again. Just like a naive lil child I believe or rather hope that this one time the trap would be broken .
But this trap called love seems to cut deep into the flesh of your innocent heart, letting you feel the true meaning of agony.
At the end , what reminds us of our suffering is just the great amount of scars on our souls ; ...painful for us , invisible to others.

***

eveything comes to an end .....

Behind an angel's beauty

2008-11-24T20:15:00.008+01:00

Angels,

the most beautiful creatures,

the most admired and envied too.

But once unveiled, you can perceive their suffering, their despair.

Behind their smile and cheerful appearance their soul keeps bleeding.

This eternal pain is the damnation for their irresistible perfection.

That's why angels always walk alone, tryin to hold on to all those passing clouds which, passing by too fast, don't realise this magnificent presence.

So they slide through ever changing skies, pushed forward by the wind of inconstancy.

Left behind remains that one beautiful angel.

2008-11-24T19:25:00.003+01:00

As I already feared, my star has stopped shining, leaving behind nothing but broken pieces of an unfulfilled heart.

***

I honestly start thinking that I'm too nice and too kind for this world.

If you really don't want to suffer in this world of hypocrisy you have to forget about everything and hide behind a mask of indifference. Maybe it's time for me to start changing.

I have been nice for too long. But what if I can't let go this part of my personality?

Is there any world out there where I'll be able to live peacefully? A place just for me? I doubt it.

So maybe I should just flee from this present world, set my soul free and hope for a better life.

2008-11-24T18:50:00.004+01:00

Fall has come and so will winter
during these melancholic seasons I awake,
chased by all those fears of loneliness.

If only I could tell ....
If only u would understand.

but once again i have to walk this dark path alone, trying to hold on to all those stars which slowly go out one by one.

Forbidden dream

2008-09-30T14:12:00.006+02:00

I'm waiting for you every night to come and save me from this insanity.

I desire you more than anything else.

Your words are my leading path and your eyes are my guardian.

Please , take me to the darkest night, where even angels lose their shine.

There, let me feel your vicous desire. I'm craving to feel your touch , your lips.

Kiss my neck , take my breath ...and make me sleep eternally.

Betrayal

2008-09-30T13:42:00.005+02:00

People say that our eyes are not able to see very small things... as well as very big ones.
To make it clear:
you are not able to distinguish an atom by only looking at it, neither can you behold the universe, because it's either too small or too big.

It's the same with our desires and wishes.
The things I asked of you were so much important to my eyes that you couldn't perceive them. That's why they appeared unimportant to you.

Nevertheless, you broke me down... being entirely conscient of what you were doing.
I will try to forgive .. but I will never forget.

Inner dialogue

2008-09-20T18:53:00.008+02:00

Have you ever thought about your future? Your aims? the person you wanna share your life with ?

Everyone thinks about it.

So how do you picture ur future?

I got to realize that life isn't as easy as it seems. But I have plans. I know how I'd like my future to be.

And what about him? Did you consider his plans?

I don't know what he actually wants. We never really talked about it.

Right. How can you not talk about something that important? You should have thought about bringing that up, serioulsy! What if his plans are totally different from what you imagine? Would you give up your dreams for his desires?

Why are you talking about this now!? I still have enough time to decide! So stop confronting me with it , will you!?

.....well, this is exactly what you fear, right? Tell me, ..what if he asks you to give up your dreams.... .... will you give him up?

525600 minutes

2008-09-01T20:14:00.007+02:00

wow havent been here for a long long time ..
anyway, holidays were great, went to see my dad in germany nd then my darlin in singapore. Already miss him so much, feels like I haven't seen him for years.. hm..
school is starting again tmr.. oh btw I passed my cambridge exam and got an A !! ^^ hope none of my classmates failed it .. tell me ur results, k ?

***

Remember, you asked me why I love you. The answer: there is no reason.
You're just exactly what I need... and you're the only one I ever want in my life.
My angel.

Distance

2008-07-18T16:49:00.004+02:00

"La passion de ton amour intact

Fond la vitre qui sépare nos mains,

J'ai besoin de tes paroles, de ton sourire.

Pendant que les mondes courent à leur perte,

Laisse-moi t'aimer encore ici un moment."

(Hélène Sobell)

Results (first year)

2008-07-09T22:10:00.006+02:00

Got my results this afternoon. =)

French literature (written): 8
French literature (oral) : 14
TPE + oral presentation : 14
Biology/Chemistry/Physics : 14
Maths/Informatics : 18

Got 34 points plus ^^
sooo happy

Feelings

2008-07-08T21:40:00.013+02:00

24*04*08

...was the day I fell for you. =)

Just love you sooooooooo much darlin .

bisoussss

2008-07-02T17:33:00.008+02:00

Exams are finally over. Had a lack of concentration today, but still hope I made it.
Besides, I was asked to explain an extract from a book I prayed not to be questioned abt.
But anyway, it's done...will know my results next week.

***

Shall I .......?

Questions

2008-07-01T18:59:00.007+02:00

Why do I always tend to make things difficult?
Why do I always disappoint others?
Why am I always so selfish ?
Why do I always seek for destruction?
Why am I trying to find pain in everything that happens?

..............................................
............................
.............

.....Why do I always realize my mistakes when it's too late?

Lost

2008-06-24T15:11:00.005+02:00

somewhere between dreams and reality

Someone asked me yesterday: "Why don't you start living in reality? You know that this is just a dream."

...yeah maybe, but this is my dream. This is what I chose two months ago and this is what I want.

***

I know this shouldn't upset me that much, but I can't help...

and just let me give you some advice: Get outta my way, girl!

***

Written exams are over, but I still have an oral exam to pass next week.

I'll get the results on the 9 th July (exams) ... nd on the 1st August (cambridge certificate).

rly hope that I did well .. =/

The night is over...

2008-06-12T21:04:00.012+02:00

I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me.

You delivered me from my pain, and I'm truly grateful....

There are no words to describe how much I love and miss you.

So, I remain silent

and think of you, ...my angel.

***

"And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Wether I'm right or wrong"

"And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me"

"I'm loving angels instead"

Please,...

2008-06-12T19:53:00.005+02:00

...don't ever hurt me again ...

Confessions..

2008-05-31T16:17:00.005+02:00

"And I know that he

knows I'm unfaithful

And it kills him inside

To know that I am happy

with some other guy

I can see him dying"

Was thinking of the past today and I realised that I did you wrong. Although you will never see this, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry. You did so much for me, you were always there but I didn't care and cheated on you. I think I wasn't ready for a relationship , I was still too young and I just played with your heart. I always conjured up excuses not to meet you, though you were my boyfriend. Now that I'm looking back at all my mistakes I feel so bad because I know you really loved me. Es tut mir wirklich Leid.

I just hope you've got a fulfilled life now with your girlfriend and child.

Confused..

2008-05-27T21:13:00.009+02:00

Spend too much time thinking.....

It's inconceivable how much one little word can change your way of thinking and living.

I promise you that I won't give up. I hope those doubts will fade soon .

One black spot on a pure white wall

2008-05-23T17:18:00.011+02:00

Just wondering how stupid people can be.
That's simply laughable. After what I've seen til now I really think you must have some kinda mental problem.

***

Exams are coming soon =((( And I have to read 16 books within a month now and have to learn nd study about 30 texts. And this is just for french/litterature classes. ='(

I'll have to pass exams in maths, informatics, biology, physics nd chemistry too.

sigh... won't have time to do anything else except studying the next few weeks.

Wanna see you so badly darlin.

***

I always thought love and pain belong together until you proved me wrong.

longing for you

2008-05-19T21:05:00.008+02:00

Some people may think that a relationship is a prison; that you've lost your freedom, that you're always under control, that you have to report every little detail to your partner. I can only advise those people not to start a relationship, they are just not ready for love.

I would define a relationship as a golden cage. It still restricts your freedom and there are limits , limits you can't cross. But in this golden cage "freedom" becomes "faithfulness" and "controlling" is called "sharing".

You know, actually the only time I feel complete freedom is when you're by my side. Then I'm free from all those fears, thoughts and oppressive feelings.

Just miss you so much ...

Thoughts on a rainy day..

2008-05-11T15:17:00.003+02:00

Why don't they understand that I only want and need you?

***

Guys are really weird. No one is interested in you unless you are in a relationship....then every one is trying to go after you. But the weirdest is that they don't want to understand that you love your boyfriend and never wanna be unfaithful. Anyway, for all those who are concerned: I'm happy with my bf, I won't lie to him and NO I won't be unfaithful just because he lives far away!

Right, I hope it's clear now. And for those who refuse to talk to me just because I found someone I love: This is your problem! I never told you to wait for me.

Love = prison or a golden cage?

Just a little answer

2008-04-25T07:31:00.002+02:00

Haha, you know, your words don't affect me at all. If you want to type more about me , go ahead, haha I won't stop you! It's kinda funny to see how desperately you want to hurt me with your words. You must be very angry, right, to type such a long post,...^^ kinda amuses me. Hm, anyway, you and your rly stupid ex gf, you can go on telling things about me , haha , I rly don't care .. just stop contacting me. And you can go on and try to hurt me , but that will lead to nothing , because I'm completely over you , ... there's someone much more important now.

Back at home

2008-04-24T16:10:00.006+02:00

I promised...

Spent my holidays in singapore^^

I didn't expect it to be that great, especially after what happened recently. But I really enjoyed my stay alot . Got to know alot of nice people, muacks *kiss to ya all

I hope to be able to come over soon again, really miss everyone.. or nearly everyone xD

And I wanted to thank two special people who helped me to forget all the bad things that happened recently.

***

And I got to realize that not everyone who claims to be in university is smart . Some people's stupidity is just beyond description. But this isn't my problem anymore, I'm over this topic.

Found inner peace again

2008-03-31T00:05:00.005+02:00

Sometimes it's really hard to believe that someone you thought was perfect for you could turn out to be the worst person you've ever known. You just told everyone your sick lies and thought you could keep playing a double game. You use people for your own comfort. You take everything from those who love you , without giving anything in return. Look around you, do you really think you have friends and people who care about you ? Those who cared finally opened their eyes and moved on , leaving you behind. And friends? ..No you don't have any, because you don't care about anyone. You are not able to love anyone else except yourself. You only use people and manipulate them. You're so damn sick boy. You didn't deserve the love of those who cared for you in the past.
Wake up boy! Your life is a ruin. You will never get anything in your life , you will just stay at the very bottom of society. And this because of your pride. You don't have any aim in your life, and since you know that you will never be able to support yourself because of your very own stupidity, you try to enchant people with your lies, so that they can give you the comfort you need.
You know , after all you did to me( and to others as well) I'm not angry. I don't feel any anger ...I'm just disappointed , very disappointed. And it isn't you that hurts me , it's just my stupid naivity. It's just amazing how you destroy those you claim to love. But hey , this didn't destroy me ...this finally liberated me from you.And I feel , and I know that Ill get over you very quickly, because you're just a miserable mistake in my life.

***

Went to my best friends house this week end. It was really great, he helped me doing my school stuff and choosing a ring ^^ Then he brought me out to a bar. It was real fun.....rly needed to see him. I feel like he's always there for me, and i hope i could do as much for him. Don't forget to call me when I'm over there, k? Cuz I think the only thing that could make me smile is hearing your voice. I thank you so much.

Happy Eastern

2008-03-24T14:07:00.005+01:00

Stayed over at my cousin's house and we had a big easter dinner yesterday evening. ^^
We watched some movies and talked about our childhood. That's how we came to remember Dridri lol. "Je suis une orange, je dois me peler." xD omg , so f*cking hilarious. haha

And it snowed this morning! =)

***

The line between love and hate is very thin.

Torn between two worlds

2008-03-20T20:43:00.004+01:00

Have a lot of nightmares these days....don't know why. I never really had nightmares in my life, and now I get them nearly every night. Perhaps because I'm too nervous, too stressed....but maybe it's because I don't know what I really want. I thought I've made my choice, but could it be the wrong one?

My thoughts are clear

2008-03-19T12:21:00.008+01:00

Yeah, exactly , thats for you !

Played volleyball yesterday... and my hand is so painful and turned blue now =(
I'm really not talented for those team sports lol
anyway, I'll get holidays soon , soo happy, really need holidays. School is so tiring at the moment , espacially litterature class. Pff >>school until 5pm, then homework until abt 8pm,haha and after that you still have to learn for the exams.

***

You seem not to care about anything anymore, including me. Baroque poets came to this conclusion way before I did: Everything changes everyday, we are never the same as the day before. You showed me that this is true. What you told me yesterday is the total opposite of what you're saying now, what you did yesterday seems to be totally forgotten by you now.
However, I've made my choice...

I've cured my addiction to you

2008-03-14T18:56:00.004+01:00

Had a meeting with my teachers and the headmaster today. They told me that everything is fine , that I have excellent marks....that I'm very disciplinated and hardworking ^^ haha

So everything is going well at school^^. Singing lesson was really nice today, but I still have to practice the songs for the concert. Hm.. don't know what to do this week end, ..have to work and learn.. hm , and maybe I'll go to

>>>>>>>>

Avignon tomorrow!^^

***

absence + silence = indifference ?

Sometimes I want to leave everything behind and fly to heaven

2008-03-12T23:02:00.004+01:00

I'm really sorry. Believe me. You know I don't want to be like this, but sometimes I can't control myself. Of course this isn't an excuse for what I did. But I can only repeat that I'm sorry , and I really mean it!

***

Sometimes you need to drink the pain away

Hello everyone

2008-03-12T17:02:00.005+01:00

First entries are horrible...you never really know what to write.

Anyway, had a very important exam yesterday. I'm so glad that it's over now...was really stressed. The next important exams are in may and june , so I still have some time to learn^^

Hm.. went to Pont du Gard last week end *really nice. There were a lot of cute little chinese boys ^^' haha I nearly kidnapped one xD

~This was at Pont du Gard~

***

Everything changes...except me.

But what if I start to change too?

Would you notice?